A look behind my eyes

It's 1:30am and again I can't sleep. I wish I could learn to turn off my mind and not think about things over and over again. I have the worst tendancy to over analyze everything in my life and after all this time I still haven't figured out how to turn it off.

The time off lately has at least been helpful for my writing. I've got a ton of new stuff (songs, poems, random writings) that I've been working on and should have some new stuff up soon. Just putting the final touches on some things.

It seems like everything lately has just been pouring out in words. I'm glad to get all the emotions I've had lately out and on paper and hopefully out of my head for a while.

Dear 2009,
I just needed you to know how glad I am that you're leaving.  It never really worked for us, from the beginning you didn't treat me well at all.  And even for those few fleeting moments when you were kind, there was always the quick slap of your meaness following quickly behind.

I glad you're leaving.  2010 is coming and I have been promised it will be better than you.  I am hanging my hopes and dreams on 2010, much the same as I did to you this time last year.  You failed me, but my faith in 2010 is unwavering.

So goodbye 2009, you will soon be a memory that will simply fade into the distance.  Like a bad dream, you can't quite remember the details of...

I made it home from Wisconsin!!!  I enjoyed spending time with my family, but a week is a really really long time!

Being laid off really didn't help make my holiday happy, but I did my best to just forget about it for a few days.  Staying at my mom's house while I'm up there automatically helps me forget responsibility!! haha

We had a nice quiet family holiday which was exactly what I think we all needed.  Sorry folks, no exciting stories this trip.

I really enjoyed seeing my family open their presents, our family always seems to find such interesting gifts for each other.  I received several books on how to live cheaply in NYC, so I will be studying those intently while I have this free time on my hands.

Here's a few photos of some of the great presents I received this year!

What matters most is how well you walk through the fire ~ Charles Bukowski

Where I was born and where and how I have lived is unimportant. It is what I have done with where I have been that should be of interest. ~ Georgia O'Keeffe

It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall.  The early morning smiles we tearfully recall.  What matters most is that we loved at all. ~ Kenny Rankin

So, what is it for you?  What matters most?

It's a beautiful sunny day in Indiana... FINALLY!!!! Unfortunately I am stuck inside at work and can concentrate on nothing but what is waiting for me once I open the door. The afternoon is dragging out, but in 2 hours and 59 minutes I will be able to enjoy it!

Have a great Tuesday, hopefully is it sunny where you are and can enjoy it!

I downloaded the Zemanta plug in yesterday that Blogger recommended. It’s a free service to help you enhance your blog by providing a column in the draft page. The idea is that you begin writing your post and Zemanta will automatically help you find photos and article links to add to your blog.

So far I’ve just been playing around testing it out, but it looks pretty cool. Have you tried this yet and if so what do you think? Do you use any other types of plug-ins or applications to help enhance your blog? I’m looking for some new ideas to make my blog more interesting so please leave a comment and tell me what you think of Zemanta or anything else you use.

Good morning bloggy friends! Sorry for my lack of communication the last few days, there's just been so much going on here.

Friday night I had a great night out with my friends and met some new really cool people. Unfortunately the night went down hill once we left the bar (as it always seems to do with a crowd of drunk people), but oh well, I won't dwell on the negative.

Sunday night I ended up having to make a hospital run for a friend that got hurt racing, but thankfully he is going to be just fine. I also managed to get hit in the head with a rock that got kicked up by a race car, but my head is harder than a rock so no permanent damage there, just some blood and a gash that will heal.

Last night my friend Jeff made a surprise appearance in Indy all the way from North Carolina. It was great to get to spend a little time with him and finally meet his beautiful baby girl Tessa. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen, so full of energy and always laughing.

Things should slow down for me now, well until next weekend at least when the Summer Tour starts! Offspring and Dropkick Murphys will kick off my little tour a week from this Saturday then it's non stop action for the next two months!

Well, that's it for now. I will try to get somethings posted tonight. Have a great day!

I swiped this cute little survey from the girls over at Beachy Keen. If you do this one, leave me a comment so I can check out your answers!

You answer can only be one word...

1. Where is your cell phone?
couch

2. Your significant other?
nope

3. Your hair?
funky

4. Your mother?
Irreplaceable

5. Your father?
Tom

6. Your favorite thing?
undefined

7. Your dream last night?
none

8. Your favorite drink?
Diet Coke

9. Your dream/goal?
travel

10. The room you're in?
main

11. Your fear?
loneliness

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
traveling

13. Where were you last night?
Mario’s

14. What you're not?
stupid

15. Muffins?
love

16. One of your wish list items?
tattoo

17. Where you grew up?
Point

18. The last thing you did?
music

19. What are you wearing?
sundress

20. Your TV?
small

22. Your computer?
laptop

23. Your life?
complicated

24. Your mood?
hopeful

25. Missing someone?
yep

26. Your car?
tough

27. Something you're not wearing?
socks

28. Favorite Store?
none

29. Your summer?
exciting

30. Your favorite color?
black

31. When is the last time you laughed?
yesterday

32. Last time you cried?
Sunday

33. Three favorite foods:
sushi, potatoes, bread

34. Four places I would rather be right now: NYC, Europe, beach, tropics

Change is inevitable and just when you start to get comfortable with something is when it’s going to change

It’s up to you to decide how to handle each situation in your life. You can find the negative or you can find the positive, it’s all up to you

Sometimes getting lost is the only way to find your way home

When you push someone away, realize that even if they love you, they still might not come back

The fear of getting hurt can only hide the opportunity of being happy

Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel sad

I might not ever find what I’m looking for, but I’m optimistic what I find will be better

Everyone belongs somewhere; you just have to search to find it

If something is not right in your life, move on from it, change it, run if you have to. It’s just not worth it to live your life unhappy. Keep making changes until you find what you need.

I am no longer going to live my life planning to be happy in the future; I will do whatever it takes to be happy now and deal with each day as it comes

Wow, it’s been a hell of week and one long month. It seems like I’ve lived a lifetime in the last few weeks. Some of it’s been good, but mostly it’s been awful and it’s felt like a struggle to get through each and every day.

The first few weeks of the month may have been the lowest I’ve felt in a very long time. I guess the details don’t really matter anymore. I’m working on making things better for myself and that’s what I need to focus on.

This past week, I’ve finally started to feel a little better at times and I’m hoping that trend will increase. I got spend time out of the office for a few days and at the track. It was so nice to be out in the fresh air and sunshine for a change.

I spent a few nights with people I love and it was definitely what I really needed. There are so few people I can truly count on anymore and thanks to Christa and my wonderful AJ for being there for me. Seeing AJ was so nice, I’ve missed him so much and I don’t even have to say what’s going on with me, he always just seems to know. A little time with them makes things seem a little less terrible.

Sunday night, we all went out and celebrated the end of the month of May in Indy. I went to a great party and consumed way more alcohol than anyone should ever drink. It was not the brightest move on my part, but I really needed to get out of my own head for a while. Most of the night was great, in the end emotions caught up with me and I just wanted to go to bed and sleep.

Memorial Day was spent in bed nursing a ridiculously bad hang over. It sucked, but I will say the night before was well worth it.

I haven't had time to get through too many blog posts this weekend and I've got 118 in my reader as of this morning. I will do my best to get through as many as I can tonight. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

Got this one from Moonjava’s page

The perfect outfit: Jeans, a comfy tank top and a pair of fabulous flip flops

The perfect meal: Something made with all fresh ingredients, nothing processed. There is nothing that can beat a fresh meal. Except an amazing dessert of course!

The perfect hangover cure: sugar free red kool-aide, one glass and two ibuprofen before you pass out

The perfect road trip: Me, a great collection of dvd’s and enough money to keep going as long as I want. No maps, no destination and no where I have to be or stop.

The perfect facial feature: Eyes. The window to the soul! (I agree with you all too! haha)

The perfect drink: diet lemonade from chic-fil-a

The perfect song: the one that fits with what I am feeling and going through at the moment

The perfect sign of affection: that look

The perfect afternoon: sunshine, no stress, on the beach somewhere listening to the waves

The perfect vacation: Relaxing and stress free, but with things to do. I like to go places that I can be completely busy the entire time if I want to, but also be able lounge around and relax if that’s what I’m in the mood for.

The perfect type of wedding: I hear there’s a drive thru in Vegas

The perfect album: anything I compiled from all the random groups I listen to

The perfect accent: the one that isn’t lying

The perfect date: relaxed, fun

The perfect weather: Sunshine, no wind… or maybe just a very very soft breeze

The perfect party: one with people I like and NO drama

The perfect sport: I haven’t found one yet

The perfect thing to say: the ones that are truthful

The perfect day of the week: Saturday. All day of nothing I must do and the knowledge of one more day ahead exactly the same way.

I borrowed this one from Dawn. She has the best questions on her page, so check her out...

1. When I look down, I see…
A pair of black flip flops

2. What three things do you think of when I say vinegar?
I have no idea on this one. Maybe I don’t cook enough or something.

3. When is the last time you got lost and what happened?
A couple weeks ago when I randomly decided to drive to Fort Wayne and didn’t have my gps or a map in the car. I called my mom, like always, and she looked it up on the internet and gave me directions.

4. Pick out the most important item in your purse and tell why it’s important to you…
My debit card is there. I guess that’s the most important. There’s really just a bunch of crap in my purse.

5. When is the last time you went to the playground and swung on the swings?
I can’t think of the last time I’ve even thought about it. I love being on the swings. Damn, now I miss it.

6. What would it take for you to reconcile with your greatest enemy?
There is nothing on this earth that could ever make that happen.

7. What is something you swore you would never do in your youth that you are doing now?
Settling for something other than what I want.

8. Name five of your least favorite ice cream flavors…
Bubble gum flavor I do not like, I don’t eat a lot of ice cream so I don’t think I’ve tried that many flavors.

9. Does time heal all wounds?
No, some never heal.

10. If you could hear one song to never hear again what would it be?
I’m too Sexy by Drop Dead Fred… man, I hate that song!

11. Someone has hung a sign around your neck and you have to wear it all day. What does it say?
Loser Magnet

12. If you had to be trapped in a tv show for an entire month, what would it be?
Art Attack… show on the Travel Channel that goes to museums all over the world.

13. What were the last five songs you listened to?
Currently listening to the Deadly Sins album on random… Unpaid Bills, Freshly Minted Royalty, Dial Tone, Non-Believers, and Open Casket.

14. If you could be invisible for one hour, where would you go and what would you do?
I’m already invisible; just ask the people who bump into me walking down the street or the car that cut me off on the interstate yesterday.

15. What comes to mind when I say the word pink?
My pink sneakers… I love them (they were $1).

16. You’ve just received the fantastic news that you and a guest have won an all-expenses-paid trip to Destination Unknown. The catch is: 1. You leave NOW. 2. You can only bring the clothes on your back. 3. You’ll find out where you are going when you get there. Are you going to go? What clothes will you be traveling in? And lastly, where do you secretly hope Destination Unknown is? Where do you hope it’s not?
Absolutely going to go… Jeans and black t-shirt with flip flops… I would be happy if it were Europe, the beach, or anywhere fun… I would hope it was no where cold or nature-like.

17. How do you eat your M&M’s?
By color

18. Would you rather spend the night in an igloo in the freezing cold or on a wooden raft in the middle of the ocean?
That’s an easy one… a raft. I absolutely hate being cold.

19. What three sounds do you love?
Music, Music, Music

20. Describe the kitchen in the house in which you grew up…My grandfather made all of the cabinets, had a black and white checkered floor. That’s all I really remember.

Sorry, I have no inspiration today so there will be nothing interesting on the blog today. It's another crappy, rainy day in Indiana. Just some questions I got from a Facebook thing...

1. What color is your toothbrush?
purple and white
2. Name one person who made you smile today:
no one.. today was an absolutely terrible day
3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Just getting to work
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?
Standing up for myself for the first time in a long time and getting my world shattered at the same time
5. What is your favorite candy bar?
Reese’s peanut butter cups
6. Have you ever been to a strip club?
A few times... it’s fun to watch the boys act like morons to girls who just want their money
7. What is the last thing you said aloud?
I don’t think I should repeat that
8. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Not really big on ice cream
9. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Diet Coke
10. Do you like your wallet?
Don’t really care about it
11. What was the last thing you ate?
Salad
12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Yes, two shirts last night. Nothing I own fits me and I look like I’ve been wearing potato sacks... it’s time for some new cothes
13. The last sporting event you watched?
Testing at the Speedway yesterday
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?
Plain
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?
Heidi
16. Ever go camping?
Yes, it was awful... nature sucks
17. Do you take vitamins daily?
Yes
18. Do you go to church every Sunday?
No I don’t go to church. I don’t need to be in a specific building for my god to hear me
19. Do you have a tan?
Nope
20.Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?
I prefer Sushi over everything
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?
No
22. What did your last text message say?
Something about Indy
23. What are you doing tomorrow?
Work
25. Look to your left, what do you see?
Fax machine
26. What color is your watch?
I don’t wear a watch
27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?
Cool accents.., yay for Australian friends! haha
28. What is your birthstone?
Amethyst
29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
I don’t eat fast food
30. What is your favorite number?
13
31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
Mom
32. Any plans today?
Planning the NYC and Boston trips
33. How many states have you lived in?
Three
34. Biggest annoyance right now?
My life
35. Last song listened to?
It’s Now So Clear by Ashers
36.Can you say the alphabet backwards?
No, not sober not drunk... there is no song for that!
37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?
That would be lovely... send yours over please
38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
Black flip flops
39. Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes, I think everyone is of someone
40. Is anyone jealous of you?
I highly doubt it
41. Do you love anyone?
A couple people
42. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes
43. What do you usually do during the day?
Work
44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?
I don’t really hate many people... I am very disappointed and disillusioned with certain people that’s for sure
45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
I don’t think so
47. Do you like cats?
Yes, but prefer dogs
48. Are you thinking about someone right now?
Yes, but I’m not sure it’s in a good way
49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes, 8th grade end of year trip
50. How did you get your worst scar?
Fell off a wet jungle gym caterpillar type thing when I was 5 or 6 ~ split my chin open to the bone

Oh yeah, I'm a freakin Ninja!!!!

I received this as an email forward the other day, but it was very interesting so I thought I'd share. I have no idea where it started or who wrote it, but I think it's worth the read.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Well I’ve been tagged by my lovely friend Crystal to tell you 10 Useless facts about me that you couldn’t live without knowing. Here it is, more facts than you ever wanted to really know about me.

1. I am addicted to Diet Coke. I have managed to quit smoking, chocolate and a plethora of other bad habits but you will have to pry my DC from my cold dead hands.

2. My mom is the best thing in my life. She supports all of my crazy ideas and my severe impulsiveness. She’s honest but does not judge me. And she’s been there for me every day of my life without fail.

3. I have lived in thirteen different homes in my life, in three states. So far…

4. I have a very hard time hiding my emotions, but there are very few people who will ever know the details behind them. Although, I am working on being better about that by having the blog.

5. I have a very clear sense of right and wrong, which my mom says I’ve had all of my life.

6. I don’t really care much for sweets, but I am absolutely addicted to Alternative Baking Co cookies! (see previous post about the ABC)

7. I am a vegetarian.

8. I am freakishly tall and have struggled with being insecure about it my entire life. It’s difficult to be a girl who is 5’ 10” and loves loves loves super high heels. Sometimes I buy them, but never actually where them.

9. I want to do something in my life that makes a positive impact on the world and at least one person in it.

10. I want to travel the world without a map.

I feel like I’ve been on some out of control carnival ride lately. Every time I start to think I’ve got my life together and I can start making a plan for my future, something blows up in my face. I’m starting to sink into that dark hole again and I promised myself I would never go back there.

It's Monday. It's pouring rain outside and all I can think of today is being back under my blankets and snuggled up in my bed.

The Rainy Day
~ by Henry Wadworth Longfellow

The day is cold, and dark and dreary
It rains, and the wind is never weary
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall
But at every gust the dead leaves fall
And the day is dark and dreary

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary
It rains, and the wind is never weary
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering past
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining
Thy fate is the common fate of all
Into each life some rain must fall
Some days must be dark and dreary

I am reposting this because it got screwed up and lost somehow when I tried to save it in drafts and then post it a few days later.

I found this little gem of a questionnaire on Remember Moment’s blog who swiped it from Dawn’s blog…. It was cute so I swiped it too.

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?Probably a million different things depending on the day

2. What have you done in the past week to help someone else?
Helped Pablo get the house back in order after being empty for four months

3. Who is the best-dressed person you know?
Crystal aka CACmuffin ~ check her out, she’s fabulous!

4. What is on your nightstand?
Alarm clock, lamp and phone charger

5. If you were a cat, what kind of cat would you be?
A Jaguar (yeah, that's right!)

6. If you lived in a house surrounded by acres of trees, what particular type of tree would you want flourishing on your land?
The kind made out of cement! I am not a fan of nature

7. What do you find to be very overrated?
American Idol!!!

8. How many email addresses do you have?
Four ~ I don’t know why, I just have them!!

9. Have you ever felt replaced?
More times than I care to admit

10. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Neither ~ racing or hockey

11. What is the wall paper on your phone?
A picture of the sunset I took in my backyard when I was living in North Carolina

12. Name a lyric from the song you’re listening to...
Been away for far too long, you're on my mind… Got your picture and I stare at it all the time… Minutes turn to hours, hours into days… And as each one passes by it feels all the same

Not without a purpose and it's not without a fight… Our spirit lives forever blinded by the city lights... If we keep our act together we might make another night… Not without a purpose, not without a fight

(Not Without a Purpose, Not Without a Fight by Street Dogs)

13. Do you use a feed reader?
No

14. What chocolate do you always leave in the box?
Coconut or the ones filled with the weird jam type substance

15. What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged?
Have a drink in honor of the poor sap that’s dumb enough to commit the rest of her life to him

16. Do words hurt you?
Sometimes worse than actions

17. Are you a talker or a listener?
Is it every possible to really be both?I do think it’s possible to be both. I try to listen, think for a minute, then talk. I also have a tendency to share my opinion, even when it may be unwelcome

18. Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
Yes, South Beach in Miami… probably not the smartest thing I've ever done

19. Who is your favorite professional athlete?
Pablo

20. Which TV show have you seen pretty much every episode of?
Law & Order (who hasn’t?!)

I can't believe i have made it an entire week without smoking one cigarette. Surprisingly, I'm not even craving it and haven't the entire time. The worst part was the physical withdrawals, but the last couple days I think I have moved past most of them.

It's really amazing how much more alert and awake I feel. It's kind of like I've been walking around in a haze, kind of groggy for the last several years when I was most heavily smoking.

Yaaayyy to sweet freedom! No more worry about going somewhere if there is no smoking or when I will be able to have one again. No more smelly clothes or worrying if people will notice it.

You don't realize how much an addiction can affect your life until you break that addiction.